The Illusion of Punishment
16 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment
in Discussion Tags: choice, life, self-talk, spirituality
I am being punished.
You punish yourself.
How can this be? Did I not have others attack me?
You believe what you want to believe – it serves your ego to do so – but you are not being attacked now, are you?
No.
Then you were never attacked. ”Now” is all there is, all there ever was, and all there ever will be!
Then what are these memories?
Just that. Dreams of a bygone era, an expired illusion, a movie you saw in a theatre…that you left a long time ago.
But I still remember them…they still affect how I function in the world now.
…because you let it. You hold on to it like a precious, poisonous gem. It pollutes your mind and the mind of others, like a plague, destroying and devouring everything in its path, leaving only destruction and despair. What use have you of these germs, these mind viruses? They serve you not.
So it’s simply a matter of letting them go?
Forgive yourself, forgive “the other”, and release it all unto God — free yourself to serve Him.
Why can’t I just keep living in ignorance?
Is where you are so great? Is where your-ego-wants-to-keep-you so desirable?
How wouldst thou rather spend thy eternity?
Hmm…You’ve got a point there.
You Are Love
You are love.
Feel this in your heart and know it to be true.
You are the love that flows in this world.
You are the love upon which all love springs forth.
Without you there could be no love.
You are love’s love for itself.
Know that you are loved.
Know that you ARE love.
Love and the whole world loves with you.
Thorns
03 Nov 2011 2 Comments
in Discussion Tags: Course in Miracles, spirituality
I feel kinda emotionally numb right now. It’s relatively difficult to get in touch with my feelings as they “truly are”. I really have to dig deep to connect to my true self — too many layers of bullshit on the surface.
“Are we really happy with this lonely game we play. Looking for the right words to say. Searching but not finding. Understanding anyway. We’re lost in this masquerade.” ~Leon Russell (performed by Helen Reddy, The Carpenter, George Benson, and others)
What do I feel? There is irritation about the way my friend demanded that I go to a comedy club just because her birthday’s coming up, like “I owe her”, or something.
You pass judgement. You see your ”sister” with eyes of thorns. She is innocent, as are you.
It’s just that I hate being told what to do!
Why?
Because I do it!
Then whose ‘upset’ is that?
Mine. Yes, I get it! I hate myself for giving-in then project it onto the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah…
So peace moves just one step out of your grasp.
Yeah. I feel like my life is not my own.
It isn’t. Life contains all, not the individual ego. So whom do you do chose as your master?
Well, God, of course!
But if you hate yourself — if you give yourself a crown of thorns?
…then I move away from God.
Yes. You place ‘upset’ on the altar. To whom do you make this offering?
Ego and egoic beliefs.
Yes.
Why do I hate?
Because you were taught to. The emotional poison is passed down generation by generation in mitote — obscuring the truth (as Don Miguel Ruiz wrote).
How does the fog lift?
Only when the ‘Son’ (of God) shines.
Sunshine
17 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in Discussion Tags: balance, self-talk, spirit
It’s cold out but the sun is shining so I decide to brave the elements. As the sun dips behind a cloud I utter a plea, “Please don’t hide. Your light brings me such warmth.” I realize that I could easily say this to everyone in my life. I hear my Higher Self interrupt, “And?…” Yeah, I get it. And…I could say it to myself.
How many times had people expressed this exact sentiment to me? “You have such a lovely singing voice,” “Your paintings are great,” “Wow, this portrait of your kids is amazing! You drew this?”, “Mommy, why don’t you play piano anymore?” I get verklempt (emotionally inhibited in a convulsive way). It’s my kids who watch me most closely.
“Scare myself to death, that’s why I keep on running. Before I arrive, I can see myself coming.” ~ Feel by Robbie Williams
Why don’t I allow my soul to shine? I’m not an ego-maniac. I’m not even interested in fame. I just really enjoy doing this stuff, rather than the stuff my responsible self tells me to do, ”How old are you? Why are you playing with paints/musical instruments/paper and pencil? Grow the hell up!”
I have a flash of insight, “I’m taking a program for my personal growth that requires me to get in touch with my childhood.” I have to become a child in order to be a better functioning adult. Ha! Shows how little my ego knows!
The sun disappears behind a large cloud and I think, “The world just got a little colder.” Would the world be a little warmer if I came out from behind my fears?
The See-Saw
11 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in Discussion Tags: spirit;balance;self-talk
Silence, tension, the dull roar of the illusory world. I feel my will to live ebb from my body. I am tired of running in the hamsterwheel called life. This maddening realization flows over me like a blanket of depression — thick and heavy with guilt and remorse. I am tired of playing this broken record. Why must I be here — depressed — again? I see the busyness for what it is — a distraction from the eternal malcontent that lies underneath.
You sit on one end of the see-saw and complain that the seat is uncomfortable, the ground is hard, the ride is boring. The see-saw offers no enjoyment at all…and yet you remain where you are. Occasionally, you find that if you push yourself up (i.e. make an effort in the desired direction) you have a little fun. But most of the time you are resigned to feeling dejected and alone.
If you were to get off of your seat and move yourself to the middle you would find some enjoyment in having control over both sides of the see-saw — you could learn to balance both sides at once. For what is life if not a balancing act in this world of contrast? And what are you if not a master trapeze artist floating “through the air, with the greatest of ease”? You have forgotten this: You are at the fulcrum of a two-sided game called life. Others may join you on the see-saw, sitting on one side or the other, but you must maintain your balance in order to find the detached state of bliss. Buddha spoke highly of the “Middle Way”. The middle is the point at which you can see both sides for what they are — extreme ends of the same issue! What is darkness if not the absence of light? You have remained too long at either end. It is now time for you to be the master of both.
The Ring of Fire
09 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in Discussion Tags: sprit;counselling;group therapy;self-talk
At “The Awakening” workshop (Clearmind International) I underwent an exercise called the “Ring of Fire”. Sound scary? Apparently it was…I just thought everyone lived this way.
First, I was asked by the facilitators to pretend that I was talking to myself using my “Critical Inner Voice”. I stood up and faced the chair I was sitting in then started to speak. I wasn’t prepared for the deluge of verbal diarrhea that exploded from my mouth – “You’re not worthy!”, “You’re stupid!”, “You should be dead!” – and those were the “lighter” versions of my self-talk.
Next, we created the “Ring of Fire”: a facilitator accompanies me into the ring, a dozen people formed a circle around us, with two key people acting as the “gate”; another dozen people were positioned outside this circle, acting as my cheer-leaders; and my partner, whom I had chosen through an intuitive process to help guide me through all of these exercises, stood about four feet outside the gate ready to cheer me on, help me break through the gate, and claim victory. She was my angel-in-waiting.
I still wasn’t sure what I’d gotten myself into. All of a sudden everyone started yelling. It was total chaos! At first I was confused, then I realized that the people in the ring were hurling my own insults back at me. I actually wanted to hear what they were saying! I strained to understand each and everyone one of them as the facilitator slowly turned me to face each one. They looked angry and yelled at the top of their voices. Somewhere in the distance people were cheering me on – I really didn’t hear them…kind of like my real life.
At the signal, I was supposed to fight back with positive affirmations for myself, then physically break through the gate, and reach my process-partner. I was given the go-ahead to start affirming but I couldn’t pick out an insult to turn-around because I was overwhelmed…kind of like my real life. I started with, “I am worthy!” and “I am deserving!”, then I heard “You should be dead!” I’d really struggled with this one for decades. I had fought with this demon so many times, and given in, that I decided there-and-then to banish this foe once-and-for-all. I started screaming, “I DESERVE TO LIVE!” and I couldn’t stop. Somehow I managed to fight back, fight through, and find my way to the arms of my angel-in-waiting. Realizing that I had won a significant battle, not with others but with myself, I folded into my angel’s arms, racked with sobs, tears streaming down my face. What had I done? I wasn’t even sure. But this much I knew: I had taken a step closer to my soul.
Embracing Myself
06 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in Discussion Tags: spirit;self-talk
Yesterday, I thought that revisting my past pain would cause me to fall into a long, deep depression; that is, the demons of my past would possess me. But I see that my wounds don’t need to be about garnering pity or defining myself by them. My pain is simply evidence of my human experience. It allows me to recognize the truth of who I am — a human, being. I give myself permission to be. Sure, I’m not perfect, I’m not super-human, but I’m not evil either. It is as Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said, “we are spiritual beings having a human experience“…and that’s okay.
The experiences that make me feel bad about myself are also the experiences that help me grow and accept myself. I’ve spent alot of energy and effort stuffing my story, hiding the truth about me, and wearing masks. I don’t need to be ashamed of where I’ve come from and what I’ve done, although there are those who think otherwise. But what they think is not important! They’re not the ones feeling dead inside! They’re not the ones feeling like they have so much to offer but no right to give it! No, I want to OWN my experience. I want to embrace and accept all of the parts of me that make…ME! I’m tired of pushing myself away. Maybe that’s why I’ve never truly felt embraced and accepted…it’s because I need to do it for myself.
Getting Real
05 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in Discussion Tags: spirit;self-talk;counselling;
I feel very sad today. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. It’s kind of nauseating. I went to “The Awakening” workshop over the weekend (offered by Clearmind International) so I’ve been feeling run-down for the last couple of days. I attributed it to coming down with a cold, but I don’t get those anymore, not since I started doing regular energy work. On the infrequent times I do get sick, it is very mild with atypical symptoms. I guess I’m just depressed. This is the first day since the workshop where I’m actually home alone.
I must have listened to the songs from the workshop at least a dozen times until I remembered that I had a song of my own heartache — “Wildflower” by Skylark. I found it on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyKXW3ioY1Q. As soon as the song started, the sadness I had been holding back for the last two days overtook me. Each verse reminded me of the pain I had been holding back for the last ten years.
It is as I feared: unleashing the demons of my past left me feeling out-of-control, possessed. The despair washed away my last shred of sanity like a tidal wave hitting a grass shack. I had no choice but to surrender unto a Higher Force, hoping for the strength and courage to endure this re-trial. I thought that several years of self-help work would ease the blow, but apparently I have an unlimited capacity for storing pain.
My Higher Self interrupts my Pity Party: Pain is not stored at all. Pain is merely an immediate reaction to a memory. It is your response that is stored.
My reverie is broken by the realization of Newton’s Third Law of Physics: “To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction.” So my reaction is not my feelings but the thoughts I have in reaction to something – my perception!
This song still makes me cry though.
“Wildflower” by Skylark
She’s faced the hardest times you could imagine,
And many times her eyes fought back the tears.
And when her youthful world was about to fall in
Each time her slender shoulders bore the weight of all her fears,
and her sorrow no one hears, still rings in midnight silence,
in her ears…
Let her cry, for she’s a Lady
Let her dream, for she’s a Child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She’s a free and gentle flower,
growing wild.
And if by chance, I should hold her,
Let me hold her for a time;
But if allowed just one posession,
I would pick her from the garden, to be mine.
Be careful how you touch her, for she will waken;
and sleep’s the only freedom that she knows.
And when you walk into her eyes, you won’t believe;
The way she’s always payin’ for a debt she never owed,
and the silent wind still blows, that only she can hear,
And so, she goes.
Let her cry, for she’s a Lady
Let her dream, for she’s a Child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She’s a free and gentle flower,
growing wild.
Choose Life
04 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in Words of Wisdom (WoW) Tags: life;spirituality;choice
I started to teach myself to play the piano last October. I got to the end of my lesson book sometime around February then slowly stopped. It’s been at least 5 months since I’ve touched the thing. I miss it. Even my son asked me, “Mommy, why don’t you play the piano anymore?” My heart ached when he said that. It reminded me of the ache I feel when I hear a beautiful piano piece in a song. I gave it some thought and had a vision…
“I’m wandering around in a dark maze, feeling my way through, when I see a pinpoint of light in the distance. I start to follow it and as it gets brighter I can see my true self. Of course, this is where the ego catches on to my progress and, having no light of its own, it throws up a bunch of mirrors to reflect the true light. I’m dazed and confused. The ego suggests, “Choose this one! Oh, this is a nice one! Try that one!” Like a kid in a candy store, my greed gets the better of me and I start going after the big, shiny lights, losing my way in the process. I come to a dead-end and realize my folly. I feel guilt and shame. As I stand in my dejection and depression, the ego quickly rearranges the maze and obscures the true light. I feel like I’m back where I started. I attack and blame myself for my stupidity.”
Saddened by this realization I asked my Higher Self for guidance: “Life is a Game of Choice. Your limits are there to teach you to see with a broader perspective, they are not there to hinder your perspective. In choosing how you see the world, in choosing to see the world differently, you shift your perspective. But do not focus on this because perspective is merely a side-effect — an indicator that alerts you to your progress, or lack thereof, in the sphere of choice. The game is all about choosing to live!“
Soul-Star
08 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in Poems
Behold all the light of your souls!
You shine the brightest, my child.
Never dim your light
for you must guide others to lightness.
You are bright.
You are a beacon of knowledge in this dark world of ignorance.
Be not small for you must serve as a guide
for those who cannot see their own brilliance.
You cannot hide from your truth.
It follows you like a moth to the brighest flame.
Know that you are guided.
No, you are not a mistake.
You are a purpose unto yourself.
The darkness can bind you no more.
Release your fears.
Burn them up with your light.
The Genetic Vessel
26 May 2010 Leave a Comment
You are carrying the genetic legacy of your ancestors to the next level of human existence;
You are the vessel that brings forward generations upon generations of human toil and suffering,
And blessed with the gifts necessary,
You transmute our collective energies for the wonderous evolution of All-That-Is.
